Inching my way to happiness

I have been in a foul mood of late. Trying to lose weight (again). OK I lied in my profile - I am not always comfortable with my body image.
As I was struggling to get into my old pair of jeans, with one leg in and teetering, it struck me - I know how to measure happiness. It is not an abstract concept like all these poets would have you believe. It is a tangible, well defined and slightly mundane entity!
And the scale of measurement?
Inches. Yes, inches. Happiness is measured in inches. Well, atleast as far as men are concerned. As for women, I would not have the arrogance to suggest that I understand anything at all about the fairer sex. But as far as simple, uncomplicated men are concerned, we are all inching our way to happiness.
Not convinced?
well, I could start with the human body itself, one's own and others'.
As you look at yourself in the mirror, you wish you were 3 inches taller. Or even half an inch for that matter. That would make you so happy. And then as you struggle into your wrinkled trousers, you wish your waist was a few inches slimmer. You steel your resolve to hold your breath for the rest of the day in those tight trousers, for you are meeting your special girl who manages to turn you into a slobbering fool. You wish yet again that you could lose a few inches, even half an inch - from your waist.
Then you meet the said girl, you are immediately conscious of her figure - even without knowing it, you are adding up the inches, just to reassure you that they add up in the right places in the right proportions. Why? That makes you happy, of course. As you sit through a mushy romantic movie (her choice), you are conscious of her head leaning towards your shoulder - a few inches closer and you'd be really happy.
I will not bore you with the crass details of what other biological detail measured in inches brings happiness in geometrical proportion to men.
You then turn to your next important thing in life, yes, boys' toys.
As you drive to work, you think about the new 19 inch alloys you had specially made for your car and you once again feel extremely happy.
You get out of your car swinging your briefcase and there is more reason to be happy, because your new laptop is only 9 inches in size (2 inches less that your annoying colleague's, ha! that will teach him). Also you have personally verified the claim that the company makes the thinnest laptops - less than half an inch thick! Excellent. you are very happy now - till your mobile rings and you think: 'I have to change this old one, it is 5 inches long and half an inch thick'. Your next door neighbour was flashing his new one the other day - he didn't forget to mention that it was less that a quarter of an inch in thickness and only two and a half inches long. Grrrr, you have to do better, but then you look at the 3 inches of plastic sticking out of your wallet - your platinum card has to be recharged before you can buy that new phone. But that's understandable, after all you have just bought the latest 54 inch LCD that is now contentedly hanging from your living room wall - adding more inches to your happiness. Your pals at work are coming round tonight, ostensibly to watch the finals, but really, it is a celebration of you notching up more inches to your happiness. Sadly it is not long lived - for your annoying technogeek colleague whips out his latest digital camera - 10 megapixels and a whopping 3 inch LCD screen with a touch sensitive menu. You quickly hide your own camera between the cushions - no point in letting people know that you only have an inch and a half of screen on your Olympus - oh, only if you could add a couple of inches to that!
You are tired now - it is time for bed. You toss around restlessly and then drift off to sleep, only to wake up sweating from a nightmare.
You dreamt you were in a giant cocktail shaker - but this one was most peculiar, for it was shaking you and all your beloved stuff till the inches all rearranged themselves. Oh, no, the laptop is now 4 inches thick and 15 inches wide - the embarrassment! You will have to live it down somehow, but then you recoil in horror as you see the LCD TV now shrunken beyond recognition to just 21 inches. You feel quite fat - and realize that you are! It is all the inches off your TV and the alloy wheels on to your waist. Someone you hardly recognize is talking to you - who is she, this ugly, dumpy woman - and then you recognize your once well proportioned girl. The inches are all rearranged and she is a different person now - you try to run away from her, but she keeps following you, down a dark corridor and then you are falling down.. down...
... and you wake up.
Thank God, it was all a dream, she is there lying beside you, her shape under the sheets reassures you that things are all as they should be, you stretch a weary hand to your bedside table and your new slimline clock-radio (only 3 inches wide, surround sound speakers and all) tells you that you have another 4 hours to sleep. As you shuffle back under the duvet, you stub your toe on the bed and wonder - have you grown taller in your sleep?
You have, it seems - atleast 5 inches taller - surely you are dreaming - you pinch yourself, no, it is true - you walk to the bathroom mirror to verify ...
and then...
... the night is rent apart by a blood curdling scream - for you have seen yourself in the mirror and now you realize where those extra inches to your height came from .......