I lance my boil...

Me: I am not normal
Him: What took you so long?
Me: No, really, this is not a philosophical interlude
Him: What then?
Me: I feel ... I feel abnormal
Him: Go on ...
Me: I feel anger, jealousy, fear, weakness, difidence, shame, madness
Him: Mmm..hmmm
Me: My anger and jealousy are directed at those who love me, my fear is about my weakness, my difidence stems from my fear, which leads to my shame and shame drives me to madness
Him: So you have thought this through
Me: Thoughts are not active anymore... they burn... they are random sparks from a welder's flame burning scars deep into my mind as I stand by, a helpless onlooker...
Him: why so random?
Me: you don't understand. There is no 'why' in randomness, I only realise they are my thoughts after they are born, they burst forth like so many droplets in a sneeze, beyond all control, at breakneck speed...
Him: Go on, let it rip then
Me: She gets more opportunities, her work is easier, my field is full of nasties, I feel under pressure, she has more support, I am fat, I cannot concentrate, when will I go home, is writing cathartic, will someone read this, will I know enough one day, what is the point, why does she still love me, music still reminds me of her smile, I still love her, I still love her, I know I need her, she is the best person I have met - listen, listen... it is the Fall of the Leaf by Imogen Holst on radio ... and her face comes up smiling, right here, in the midst of all the random thoughts - the cello calms me... I am crying... let me sleep now... with her smile in my mind and the cello for company...
... peace