Stumbled up on this today while cleaning out my e-cupboaard
it seems so ruthlessly insightful
anyway, here goes
a blast from the past ...
''I am getting to be a real butt aperture, with a generous amount of MCP (male chauvinistic porkiness) added on top. Anything that goes against my wish and against my “Greater Scheme Of Things” upsets me terribly and then I am so irritated and generally crappy that selfishness oozes out embarrassingly from every pore.
Today her hospital informed her that they do not have accommodation for her for Aug. 2002 – Feb. 2003. This is less than 1 month before the next job, today being the 8th of July, with her job starting on the 7th of Aug. When she told me about it, she sounded so lonely and scared that it broke my heart. She said she was in the library searching the net for some sort of accommodation (that was pretty serious, she avoids the library like the plague).
I did the most sensible thing I could do – I panicked. I was in a raging fit. I imagined myself throttling the office staff in her hospital, contacting the BMA and making a case out of it, writing letters in triplicate with carbon copies and blind carbon copies to everyone concerned.
About half an hour later, I was in the middle of such a letter when I called her again and she told me that SHE HAD NOT INFORMED THE OFFICE STAFF UNTIL ABOUT ONE MONTH AGO (remember that the job was confirmed in March which means she never enquired about accommodation till 3 months later!)
Today her hospital informed her that they do not have accommodation for her for Aug. 2002 – Feb. 2003. This is less than 1 month before the next job, today being the 8th of July, with her job starting on the 7th of Aug. When she told me about it, she sounded so lonely and scared that it broke my heart. She said she was in the library searching the net for some sort of accommodation (that was pretty serious, she avoids the library like the plague).
I did the most sensible thing I could do – I panicked. I was in a raging fit. I imagined myself throttling the office staff in her hospital, contacting the BMA and making a case out of it, writing letters in triplicate with carbon copies and blind carbon copies to everyone concerned.
About half an hour later, I was in the middle of such a letter when I called her again and she told me that SHE HAD NOT INFORMED THE OFFICE STAFF UNTIL ABOUT ONE MONTH AGO (remember that the job was confirmed in March which means she never enquired about accommodation till 3 months later!)
Let’s stop here.
Think about the facts.
Why did I feel so angry?? Because I love her??
Oh, yeah! Heard that one before.
The honest answer remains, I did what I did because it was a spanner in the works, against my GSOT (Greater Scheme Of Things) and I can't allow it, can I?
I mean, to work up an anger, to shout at her for not enquiring about her accommodation (by the way, I still feel it was justifiable), it just shows my obsession with GSOT above everything else. It embarrasses me, at the same time, I can’t let go (like the mother of a serial killer/rapist/psychopath – she knows her son is wrong, but he’s still her son), it’s an obsession I don’t want to correct.
She says I am looking for headaches when I don’t have any. She is right, I should let her sort her problems out, me saying all this undermines her confidence and makes her feel that she can never be independent, but at the same time, a small voice in my head says “well, she is just too irresponsible right now, you have to sort her out, or she will go against your GSOT”
She says I am looking for headaches when I don’t have any. She is right, I should let her sort her problems out, me saying all this undermines her confidence and makes her feel that she can never be independent, but at the same time, a small voice in my head says “well, she is just too irresponsible right now, you have to sort her out, or she will go against your GSOT”
Its tough fighting against yourself, as I now discover.
I think about it more and more. In my universe of uncertainties, she is the Reference Point, the imaginary axis around which my world revolves, the pole star that defines the pole, the 0 that gets me started, my launch pad, my home base, my soul keep. But, when I've been out fighting the dragons, only to come back and discover that my castle is not where it used to be (especially if the aforesaid dragons are hot on my tail!) I feel, well, to say the least, kinda stupid.
No, I don’t feel betrayed; I know better, she never ever betrays me, it’s beyond her. It’s more of a nuisance, like the runs of ill-sustained VT on the cardiac monitor, like discovering that your gun has jammed just after you challenged the psycho in the corner to a duel.
An irritation, like nettle rash.
I call her again and tell her so.
She didn’t eat me alive (only vegetarian on Mondays)
Hmmm…I wonder why she muttered: 'Olanzapine by syringe driver'
Very strange.''
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