... my summer school holidays when the days drag on and on
the sun beating down on everything green and brown and dusty
fluffy clouds like shaving foam scudding across the oh-so-blue sky
as dragonflies flit around - little green packets of magic and sparkle
while sweat spreads across the back of my neck giving me an out-of-
season gooseflesh as the breeze blows hurrying along the brown
leaves dried to a crisp on the hot tarmac they rattle like tin cans
on a string while I lie down in the green grass looking up at
an impossibly blue sky stretching as far as eye can see and I imagine
the world flipping over - the little blue and yellow flowers hanging
down from the grass roof of the world
I like the sudden dizziness
and I spread
my arms
and clutch
the grass
to
stop
me
from
falling
up ...
... an impossible fall into the impossible blue...
Friday, March 30, 2007
Monday, March 26, 2007
why should I care?
All my life, I have looked after myself first and now that I am in a pickle, I moan that others do not care about the injustice inflicted upon me. Now that I have known what it feels like to be treated as an undesirable and expendable element in a community, I understand what it must be like (not fully, but atleast partly) to be helpless and poor and weak and illiterate and trod over. I cannot quench the self righteous rage that fills up every now and again, I cannot believe that the whole world is not saying 'Let us make Unni's life better, he deserves a better chance'. Then, in a brief moment of clarity, I realise that till now I was one of the 'have it, care not' bunch. Now that my life is difficult, I have started making noise about the unfair system. Maybe I should list the people I never cared about who I feel a kinship to now:
The poor - in general
The beggars
The illiterate
The mentally ill
The unemployed
The homeless
The orphans
The handicapped
the list goes on
Not that I was ever cruel or disrespectful to anyone, but I NEVER ever cared!
It has taken a significant extent of personal insecurity for me to even 'waste' time thinking about other people. And yet, I am still to do anything selfless to help these 'other people'.
Yes, I went into medicine to help others, but now I realise that the small print in my 'mental contract' said:
'I want to be given the knowledge and skills to make my life comfortable and make me happy and then to help others'
I also realised after I started my research that I am more anxious about my project than I ever was about any of my patients. I have never been rude or unprofessional or indifferent to patients, but the scale of anxiety is just not the same. I wonder whether it is just me who is this selfish!
The way I worry about my blood samples and my RNA and my data and my project grant - makes me sick that I never worried about the people I looked after to this extent, even though at the time, if someone were to ask me whether I cared about my patients' well being, my answer would have been a resounding yes.
I think the whole future of the British health system is in danger. I maybe one of the casualties of the current battle - but like in any war, the damage to an individual casualty pales in comparison to the damage to the system. Somewhere along the line, doctors have forgotten what they are fighting for, forgotten the face of their fathers, as Roland would have said (apologies to S King). The profession's shift in focus from 'high quality training and service' to just 'service and opportunistic training of variable quality' will turn out to be a death blow, when people look back at the current situation in 10 years time, wondering what went wrong. And through all this, the senior medical colleagues are silent - they have the attitude that I had about the homeless and the less fortunate - ' why should I care? '
This is nothing new. About 300 years ago, Edmund Burke said:
'All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing'
More relevant to my profession, the great William Osler, who was not just a physician, but a great thinker summed things up very eloquently:
'By far the most dangerous foe we have to fight is apathy - indifference from whatever cause, not from a lack of knowledge, but from carelessness, from absorption in other pursuits, from a contempt bred of self satisfaction'
The three reasons he gives for apathy sound uncannily prophetic, as if he has visited us in 2007 and seen the mess we are in as a profession.
I am sad, very sad, not just about my future, but about the crumbling system. It is akin to the sadness you feel when you see cobwebs and cracks in your childhood home, the same sadness when you see someone dear grow old and weak and confused.
And then I realise, all around me the world is rushing forward to meet tomorrow, with an attitude no different to mine when it concerns someone else:
why should I care?
The poor - in general
The beggars
The illiterate
The mentally ill
The unemployed
The homeless
The orphans
The handicapped
the list goes on
Not that I was ever cruel or disrespectful to anyone, but I NEVER ever cared!
It has taken a significant extent of personal insecurity for me to even 'waste' time thinking about other people. And yet, I am still to do anything selfless to help these 'other people'.
Yes, I went into medicine to help others, but now I realise that the small print in my 'mental contract' said:
'I want to be given the knowledge and skills to make my life comfortable and make me happy and then to help others'
I also realised after I started my research that I am more anxious about my project than I ever was about any of my patients. I have never been rude or unprofessional or indifferent to patients, but the scale of anxiety is just not the same. I wonder whether it is just me who is this selfish!
The way I worry about my blood samples and my RNA and my data and my project grant - makes me sick that I never worried about the people I looked after to this extent, even though at the time, if someone were to ask me whether I cared about my patients' well being, my answer would have been a resounding yes.
I think the whole future of the British health system is in danger. I maybe one of the casualties of the current battle - but like in any war, the damage to an individual casualty pales in comparison to the damage to the system. Somewhere along the line, doctors have forgotten what they are fighting for, forgotten the face of their fathers, as Roland would have said (apologies to S King). The profession's shift in focus from 'high quality training and service' to just 'service and opportunistic training of variable quality' will turn out to be a death blow, when people look back at the current situation in 10 years time, wondering what went wrong. And through all this, the senior medical colleagues are silent - they have the attitude that I had about the homeless and the less fortunate - ' why should I care? '
This is nothing new. About 300 years ago, Edmund Burke said:
'All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing'
More relevant to my profession, the great William Osler, who was not just a physician, but a great thinker summed things up very eloquently:
'By far the most dangerous foe we have to fight is apathy - indifference from whatever cause, not from a lack of knowledge, but from carelessness, from absorption in other pursuits, from a contempt bred of self satisfaction'
The three reasons he gives for apathy sound uncannily prophetic, as if he has visited us in 2007 and seen the mess we are in as a profession.
I am sad, very sad, not just about my future, but about the crumbling system. It is akin to the sadness you feel when you see cobwebs and cracks in your childhood home, the same sadness when you see someone dear grow old and weak and confused.
And then I realise, all around me the world is rushing forward to meet tomorrow, with an attitude no different to mine when it concerns someone else:
why should I care?
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
circling the drain
it is all very grim
there is an all pervading feeling of inevitability
how has it come to this?
- a prescriptive government in denial
- leaders without concern or vision
- a community infused with apathy
- a lack of professional cohesiveness
...the list could go on
I went to an interview last week
the job was desirable, competition was stiff and the future was at stake
somehow, the whole approach reflected that of the current government
- treating people like 12 year olds
There were a lot of things I wanted to say, some of which they asked,
some they skipped and some I would never say in any interview.
maybe this is where I say the latter
how have you demonstrated commitment to your field?
to me working in cardiology is like living with the ideal life partner. I have fallen completely in love with cardiology and I cannot help it. There is nothing else that I can think of doing that will not seem like work. When I work in cardiology, I feel guilty about being paid - after all, they are paying me for doing what I want to do and love to do.
For 20 months I used to drive down from Liverpool to Aylesbury at 3:30 AM on a monday - to get to work by 8:00 AM and then finish the day at 7:00 PM. Never ever did I feel that this was a problem. As I crept down the M6 behind a mud splattering lorry, I was happy that I was driving to a place where I can learn and do some cardiology. In the three and a half years of marriage, my married life has been squeezed into my weekends and at no point did I feel that I could not carry on, for I was working in cardiology.
I have confidence in my enthusiasm for the subject - to the extent that I can make others fall in love with it just like I did.
commitment, can it be measured by experience and knowledge alone? what makes the 'bog-standard' answer describing the clinical and research achievements in the field a better measure of commitment?
To me, commitment comes from the heart, where as knowledge comes from the brain. A commitment at a mere cerebral level is not the same as a heartfelt feeling of desire and love for the subject.
If I were to categorise my reasons for wanting to work in cardiology, I would have to say:
1. cerebral reasons: intellectually engaging, requires lateral thinking, needs quick decision making
2. limbic/hippocampal reasons: love, desire, enthusiasm
3. autonomic reasons: a quickening of pulse, a pounding of heart, a nostril flare, a buzz
there is nothing else that makes me feel this way, which is why I want to do cardiology
Imagine saying that at an interview! I would have to provide complimentary sick bags to the panel!
Moreover, I can never convey my genuine feelings when I say this out loud. Which means the panel will always get the 'bog-standard' answer.
Anyway, coming back to the point - the interview process used to be a fun experience, as it was an opportunity to display the candidate's character and an opportunity for the panel to assess this. Not anymore, now it is a list of blinded, validated, politically correct psychometric analyses which according to 'experts' is the best way of assessing a person's capabilities.
I want to grab hold of the bright spark who thought this up, give him/her a good shake and say:
'snap out of it you idiot! if you want someone who just does a job,you will get that someone and the same someone will just roll over and die when you bring in the next reform which will be the death blow to the field.
However if you want someone for whom this is not just a job, but a vocation, a spiritual calling, someone who will stand his ground and guard the field he loves, someone who will inspire future generations to love the field, someone who is not just a worker bee, you are making a very big mistake'
Then I stop myself, for I realise why they want this new method of selection. Yes, the same reasons I said are their reasons, they know exactly why this is the best way forward. They want to clone sheep!
like I said, it is all circling the drain
there is an all pervading feeling of inevitability
how has it come to this?
- a prescriptive government in denial
- leaders without concern or vision
- a community infused with apathy
- a lack of professional cohesiveness
...the list could go on
I went to an interview last week
the job was desirable, competition was stiff and the future was at stake
somehow, the whole approach reflected that of the current government
- treating people like 12 year olds
There were a lot of things I wanted to say, some of which they asked,
some they skipped and some I would never say in any interview.
maybe this is where I say the latter
how have you demonstrated commitment to your field?
to me working in cardiology is like living with the ideal life partner. I have fallen completely in love with cardiology and I cannot help it. There is nothing else that I can think of doing that will not seem like work. When I work in cardiology, I feel guilty about being paid - after all, they are paying me for doing what I want to do and love to do.
For 20 months I used to drive down from Liverpool to Aylesbury at 3:30 AM on a monday - to get to work by 8:00 AM and then finish the day at 7:00 PM. Never ever did I feel that this was a problem. As I crept down the M6 behind a mud splattering lorry, I was happy that I was driving to a place where I can learn and do some cardiology. In the three and a half years of marriage, my married life has been squeezed into my weekends and at no point did I feel that I could not carry on, for I was working in cardiology.
I have confidence in my enthusiasm for the subject - to the extent that I can make others fall in love with it just like I did.
commitment, can it be measured by experience and knowledge alone? what makes the 'bog-standard' answer describing the clinical and research achievements in the field a better measure of commitment?
To me, commitment comes from the heart, where as knowledge comes from the brain. A commitment at a mere cerebral level is not the same as a heartfelt feeling of desire and love for the subject.
If I were to categorise my reasons for wanting to work in cardiology, I would have to say:
1. cerebral reasons: intellectually engaging, requires lateral thinking, needs quick decision making
2. limbic/hippocampal reasons: love, desire, enthusiasm
3. autonomic reasons: a quickening of pulse, a pounding of heart, a nostril flare, a buzz
there is nothing else that makes me feel this way, which is why I want to do cardiology
Imagine saying that at an interview! I would have to provide complimentary sick bags to the panel!
Moreover, I can never convey my genuine feelings when I say this out loud. Which means the panel will always get the 'bog-standard' answer.
Anyway, coming back to the point - the interview process used to be a fun experience, as it was an opportunity to display the candidate's character and an opportunity for the panel to assess this. Not anymore, now it is a list of blinded, validated, politically correct psychometric analyses which according to 'experts' is the best way of assessing a person's capabilities.
I want to grab hold of the bright spark who thought this up, give him/her a good shake and say:
'snap out of it you idiot! if you want someone who just does a job,you will get that someone and the same someone will just roll over and die when you bring in the next reform which will be the death blow to the field.
However if you want someone for whom this is not just a job, but a vocation, a spiritual calling, someone who will stand his ground and guard the field he loves, someone who will inspire future generations to love the field, someone who is not just a worker bee, you are making a very big mistake'
Then I stop myself, for I realise why they want this new method of selection. Yes, the same reasons I said are their reasons, they know exactly why this is the best way forward. They want to clone sheep!
like I said, it is all circling the drain
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